i am so sorry for how ruthless i can be on this unrelenting pursuit to perfection and health. you are already perfect exactly as you are. please understand that my constant “doing” is purely out of fear.
fear you’re not good enough for others, fear that i will fail you, that you are failing me, and fear that i will lose you.
i see now more than ever how much i lose my connection with you when i abandon you for the next solution on the list of things i feel need fixing. you do not need fixing now, nor have you ever needed fixing. you needed me to simply nurture you and give you my full attention, undistracted by the guise of beauty image or health.
you are perfect exactly as you are.
every time i push myself to find something to improve or to heal i know it only separates us more. my intention is not to be separate of you but to be closer to you, and i see now how my actions were always motivated by my fear. i promise to commit to feeling you, feeding you, and seeing you as the loving, soft, tender body that you are. i promise to be gentle to my fears as they arise and know that they, too, just need compassion and care.
i love you, i really love you. your strength amazes me, you hold me together, keep me moving, and wake with me every morning ready for the world.
i appreciate you in every way.
i love all of you, even the parts i am still learning to accept. i am sorry i have been afraid to see you completely. i am taking my time with loving you the way you deserve to be loved. in the light of patience and stillness i see your essence radiate. i love you, thank you.
forever i will journey the rest of our life together in awe of your perfection.
Love,
Jeanelle
Originally written November 2021